BREAKING NEWS: RNC Schedule Released

ALERT: I've managed to get an early copy of the Schedule of Activites at next week's Republican National Convention in New York, NY. See below:

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION SCHEDULE

6:00 PM - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6:30 PM - Pledge of Allegiance

6:35 PM - Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)

6:45 PM - Salute to the Coalition of the Willing

6:46 PM - Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"

7:30 PM - Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

7:35 PM - Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"

7:40 PM - EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner

8:00 PM - Vote on which country to invade next

8:10 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

8:15 PM - John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children

8:30 PM - Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)

8:50 PM - Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future

9:00 PM - Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"

9:05 PM - Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"

9:10 PM - EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires

9:30 PM - break for secret meetings

10:00 PM - Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas

10:15 PM - Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple

10:30 PM - Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside

10:35 PM - Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare

10:40 PM - John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt

10:45 PM - GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice

10:46 PM - Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, Great American Patriot"

10:50 PM - Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy

11:10 PM - Hilary Clinton Pinata

11:20 PM - John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult

11:30 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again

11:35 PM - Blame Clinton

11:40 PM - Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"

11:41 PM - Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

11:50 PM - Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself

12:00 PM - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

The Scrubest State / #9

And the Number 9 Scrubest State is:

9. DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA

Well, so much of this is easy. Since we’re talking the town of politics, I’ll use my slogan should I ever run for office: I mean, come on!!!! It’s not even a state! If that’s not scrub, I don’t know what is. Discounting this fact is the town itself; a very cool place indeed. Crime ridden yes, boring no. I love that the license plates say, “Taxation Without Representation” on them. They should say, “We’re Lucky We Even Get To Vote.” I love going to DC, my brother is there as I write this, however it always feels a bit strange. I’d venture to say, scrub. Certainly worthy of Number 9 on this list. Stay tuned for the Top 8.

Still Standing

Well, the Pink Slip Gods have spared me. While I'm relieved, many people close to me weren't so fortunate. It is truly a strange environment right now. Next up: Meeting with new management. Lucky me.

We're All Doomed....

At least that's how my friend Meredith puts it. You see, "The Bobs" are coming tomorrow to lay people off because a new company is buying us. Trimming the fat, I suppose. Crikey. A real, palpable sense of doom is in the air.

Tomorrow at 9:30am, some of my friends here, if not I, will be fired. I'm at loss, I hate corporate America.

Wish me luck.

N.B. If I should be escorted out of the building, anyone who cares can find me at Friday's on Rte 1 in Princeton drinking profusely.

So Says Ike

This is really funny albeit in poor taste, considering the beatings I.T. put down on Tina. But I've always found Ike Turner to be some sort of strange enigma, and this plays on that sentiment. I'm in a strange mood today.

Visit Ike Turner's Guide to Restoring America's Honor for some zany antics.

Quandary of all Quandaries

I've starting smoking again. Shit.

The Sickness

Maybe it's a combination of work (and possibly getting "liberated"), band practice, and having family and friends home, but I'm really exhausted. Getting out of bed is a real chore. Last Friday, I woke up around 3:30am with the worst headache I've ever had, merely moving my jaw made me groan in agonizing pain. Toss in a side of dizziness, nausea and evil gastric distress and you have an idea what my night was like. Yesterday, I felt a bit better, but playing drums for 3 hours wiped me out, then I made my social engagements and didn't get to sleep until 1:30am. Woke up AGAIN at 3:30am, rinse and repeat. I gotta take it easy tonight, perhaps laundry and a movie.

I rented Kill Bill 2 on Sunday and it was amazing. Garden State was excellent as well, the music was kick ass. I really like the Shins, I have to spend a bit more time with their first record, Oh, Inverted World. Last year's Chutes Too Narrow was one of the 5 best records to come out, although I still think Blur's Think Tank was Record of the Year for 2003.

All right, back to work. May the digestive Gods shine their heavenly light upon my small intestine. Amen.

If You Are Buying A Car In South Dakota...

Look no further than Einspahr Auto Plaza, in lovely Brookings, SD (see future Scrubest States entries). It's cool to know that somewhere, my family name is aglow in neon.

My Einspahr lineage traces back to Nebraska, via Chicago in the 1870's. My paternal grandfather was from Kearney, Nebraska, before moving to Texas in the late 30s. So after some very preliminary research, I've discovered the relatively high Einspahr population of Nebraska, Iowa, and South Dakota.

As I find more interesting things in the land of Einspahr, I will be sure to post what I can. It's my duty, after all.

The Scrubest State / #10

Drum roll please.....

That's it, keep going, I have to ramble a bit first.....I am about to reveal the Top Ten Scrubest States, and I have to say this was extremely difficult. All 10 states have so little to offer and so much to not recognize. So without further ado, here's #10:

10. VERMONT

One of my best friends of all time hailed from the Green Mountain State, but I must admit I don't think I've ever felt so isolated staying at his summer camp in NE Vermont. Nothing but dirt roads, and a true sense of unspoiled habitat. This was good. For a day or two. Then the FEAR starts to grab you, the sick feeling in your gut that says "no matter where you go, you are certainly lost." On said trip, I was dropped off at the Montpelier (yes, a state capital with 8,000 odd residents) bus depot at 4AM, and it was a truly eerie experience, knowing how close you really are to the addled congestion of Boston, yet not seeing a car or another human being for hours at a time. I must add that by bus depot, I mean gravel parking lot. With no sign. Or lights. Or cars.

Sure, you may say to yourself, this is not my fine automobile. And yes, Vermont is a great place to visit. But the residents are truly a different bunch, and my previous internal inquiries into why Vermont the State isn't Vermont County, NY quickly faded once I spent a week there. It's the type of place more people should be spotting UFOs. I guess that's all I have to say on this. Experience it for yourself. And do yourself a favor, avoid the men's room at the White River Junction bus station. Trust me.

Aching Lions

I can't wait for the 2004 NFL Season to get here, and for the first time in 5 seasons, I can not merely hope to avoid extreme embarrassment and bouts of misery as a Detroit Lions fan, I can see a Wild Card berth in my beloved team's not-so-distant future. At least Maxim Magazine thinks so, predicting a 2nd place finish in the NFC North and a trip to the tundra.

I'm a bit more modest, a 3rd place 8-8 finish being a more likely result. But we'll compete!!! And win a road game for the first time since the 2000 Season!!!!!

Bring on the Pigskin!

PS, Stay tuned for my NFL Preview, and failsafe Super Bowl prediction....(hint....the AFC will play the NFC for all the marbles)